# Ag Jokes



## Vol

Whats your favorite Ag joke.....no salty language and sexual innuendo of course.









I heard this one at my cousins ranch in McKinney, TX in 1991 and its still one of my favorites;

How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?

Just one, but you have to feed him in real slowww.


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## Mike120

Down here they are usually Aggie Jokes.....referring to the Students and Alumni of Texas A&M.

An Aggie goes into the feed store and tells the owner that he is starting a chicken farm and needs to buy about 500 baby chicks. The feed store owner sells the Aggie the required number of chicks and wishes him luck.

Two weeks later the Aggie buys another 500 baby chicks from the feed store.

Another two weeks goes buy and the aggie returns to the feed store for yet another 500 chicks. The feed store owner says "Boy you're going to have one large chicken farm with 1500 chickens!!"

The Aggie answers, "Not really, I haven't had much luck. Not sure if I'm burying them too deep or just too close together." 
----------------------------------------------------So he tries again---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Aggie decides to raise chickens. So, he goes to the feed store and buys some chicks. He takes the chicks home, and plants them with their heads sticking up. He waters them, but they die. He goes back to the feed store and tells the proprietor that he bought defective chicks, and gets another set. This time he plants them with their heads sticking down. He waters them, but they die. He then sends a letter to his Alma Mater, describing the problem. They send a letter back asking for a soil sample. 
----------------------------------------------------So he tries something else----------------------------------------------------------------------

There was an aggie that was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

The aggie wrote a note saying "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the city playground. Signed, An aggie."

The aggie then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the aggie checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath that pecan tree. The aggie opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note. The note said, "How could an aggie do this to another aggie?!"


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## swmnhay

What would you do if you won the lottery?

Farm till it was gone.


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## swmnhay

One hay trucker to another."I didn't make any money on that hay I bought it for $5 a bale and sold it for $4.

Other hay trucker"You just need a bigger truck"


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## Vol

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."


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## downtownjr

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM INDIANA WHEN............

You think the state Bird is Larry.
You can say "French Lick" without laughing out loud.
There's actually a college near you named "Ball State."
You know Batesville is the casket making capital of the world, and you're proud of it
You know several people who have hit a deer.
Down south to you means Kentucky.
You have no problem spelling or pronouncing Terre Haute.
You know what the phrase "knee-high by the Fourth of July" means.
You've heard of Euchre, you know how to play Euchre, and you are the master of Euchre.
You've seen a running car, with nobody in it, in the parking lot of the grocery store, no matter what time of year it is.
Detassling was your first job. Baling hay, your second. Or you could stack hay, swim in the pond to clean off and then have the strength to play a couple of games of hoops, all in the same barn lot on the same day.
You say things like catty-wampus and kitty corner.
You install security lights on your house and garage, then leave both of them unlocked.
You carry jumper cables in your car regularly.
You drink pop.
You know that baling wire was the predecessor to duct tape.
You know that strangers are the only ones who come to your front door.
You think nothing of it in spring and fall to be stuck behind a farm implement driving on the roads. 
High school basketball games draw bigger crowds on the weekend than movie theaters, IF you have a movie theater.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You can see at least two basketball hoops from your yard.


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## downtownjr

Three ranchers are in a regular cab pickup. Which one is the smartest?

The one in the middle. He doesn't have to open gates.


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## mlappin

Vol said:


> A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
> 
> The old farmer told him he had buried them.
> 
> The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
> 
> The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."


HAve heard this before, but the punch line was "does it matter?"


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## mlappin

A ******* family from the hills of Arkansas was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives.

The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by
two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, 'Boy.................go gitcha momma'.


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## mlappin

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

"Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a congressman for the U.S. Government," says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows: this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."


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## mlappin

FARM KID in the ARMY

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well.. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why.. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Thug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice


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## mlappin

Had to go thru 27 pages of "funnies" on my old website but here it is:

THE RULES OF RURAL INDIANA ARE AS FOLLOWS:

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to Indiana farmers. Get over it. Don't like it? I-70 goes east and west, I-65 goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. Grain farmers have $350,000 combines that they drive only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in rural Indiana waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat taters, gravy, beans and cornbread. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at Jim's bait shop...

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's religious holiday held on the 15th of November.

10. We open doors for women. That applies to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads.

We use three seasonings - salt, pepper, and ketchup. Oh, yeah....We don't care what you folks in Indianapolis call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be homegrown, cute, knows how to shoot, drive a truck, and she better have long hair..

15. College and high school football/basketball are as important here as the Colts and the Pacers .... and more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

17. Colleges? We have them all. We have State Universities , Community Colleges, and Vocational-techs. Folks come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.

18.Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyways..We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.

19. Four inches of snow isn't a blizzard - it's a flurry. Drive in it like you got some sense, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska. Worst case you may have to live a whole day with out croissants. The pickups with snowplows will have you out the next day.

20. By the way... if you want to talk to God in Indiana , it's a local call.


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## GeneRector

Notice to all Aggie students: "Vintage Agriculture Lab 101 has been canceled for the remainder of this semester." The mule died!


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## Richardin52

I want to tell everyone a sure fire way to make a million dollars farming. It ain't that hard a anybody can do it. This method will work every time and you can't lose.
You just start with 2 million and work at it.


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## cwright

Old farmer had a bad back and walked humped over for years.
He always wore a long bed shirt and no drawers when he went to bed.
One winter night the farmer and wife had just gone to bed and the wife hollered "paw! Something is in the hen house".
The old farmer got his shot gun and walked outside all humped over because of his bad back.
A few minutes later he came back into the bed room and was walking upright with his back straight as an arrow.
The wife exclaimed "paw it's a miracle your back is all straight now. What happened?
The farmer said 'I was bent over looking into the hen house and old rover got in behind and cold nosed me!


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## Toyes Hill Angus

This is true to life for me... mot so much an ag joke as a married to a schrew loke. lol (Oh God I hope she never goes on here)

A Police STOP at 1 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."


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## Toyes Hill Angus

And my all time favorite

The Ontario Ministry of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV'T AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Beef Farmer: "Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. 
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

GOV'T AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."

Beef Farmer: "That would be me


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## Toyes Hill Angus

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. 
He says to the waiter:

"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee...... 
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, 
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, 
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. 
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling 
another male buffalo with the other. 
He walks up to the counter and says to 
the waiter

"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa! 
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. 
What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says,

"Training for position as a Member of Parliament: 
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, 
Leave sh*t for others to clean up, 
Disappear for rest of day."


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## Toyes Hill Angus

one more....

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young
layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He
kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was
replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to
his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a
distance which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and
fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this
morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to
investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for
cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the
next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the
judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also
awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by
being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year, the bells are not always audible.


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