# Typical Christmas or why we skip the country when possible



## mlappin (Jun 25, 2009)

Here's something I seen on Facebook, typical of either the wife's family, my family or both. The wife is already bugging me to book tickets to England next year.

The wife's one niece has already called and asked if we can make everything "organic", the other wants to know today if we can change the time, which is tomorrow, at noon, period. I'm still waiting for my aunt to call and change my families christmas from Sunday to whenever just because one of her kids can't make it, etc.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees 
DATE: December 4
RE: Christmas Party 
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols. Please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time. However, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pocketbook. This gathering is only for employees! The CEO will make a special announcement.

Merry Christmas to you and your family. 
Pauline

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director 
TO: All Employees 
DATE: December 5
RE: Holiday Party 
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, although unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy Holidays to you and your family, 
Pauline

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director 
TO: All Employees 
DATE: December 6
RE: Holiday Party 
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!

In addition, we will no longer be having the gift exchange because the union officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and management believes $10.00 is a little cheap.

Pauline

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director 
TO: All Employees 
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party 
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. There will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics. The restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts.

Happy Now?
Pauline

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director 
TO: All Employees 
DATE: December 8
RE: The Holiday Party

People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for "Santa" does happen to be "Satan." There is no evil connotation to our own little "man in a red suit."

Pauline

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director 
TO: All Employees 
DATE: December 9
RE: The ****** Holiday Party

Vegetarian jerks: I've had it with you people! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it. You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too, they scream when you slice them. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday and then drink, drive and die. 
Pauline, the Bitch from HELL!

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FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director 
TO: All Employees 
DATE: December 10
RE: Pauline and the Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the management has decided to cancel our holiday party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

Have a SUCCESSFUL day! 
John


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## Teslan (Aug 20, 2011)

Holidays of nearly every kind are mostly way more trouble then they are worth.


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## stack em up (Mar 7, 2013)

I love Christmas in the fact it marks the birth of our Savior. Peace, tranquility, and general good cheer for all, regardless of religious beliefs.

I hate Christmas because the peace, tranquility, and good cheer are all but dead in this country. We are going to political correct ourselves into oblivion.


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## mlappin (Jun 25, 2009)

stack em up said:


> I love Christmas in the fact it marks the birth of our Savior. Peace, tranquility, and general good cheer for all, regardless of religious beliefs.
> 
> I hate Christmas because the peace, tranquility, and good cheer are all but dead in this country. We are going to political correct ourselves into oblivion.


We like going to her aunt's in England because:

1: show up if you can, if not fine, it's still at x o'clock on Boxing Day, period.

2: this is what we are eating, don't like it, don't eat

3: gifts are optional, non are expected from us as space is limited on international flights


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## Bgriffin856 (Nov 13, 2013)

Thanks for posting. I needed a good laugh today, bout fell out of my chair


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